in an open letter to all Christians everywhere...

Dear all Christians everywhere (or, perhaps, especially in America):

Stop.

Seriously, stop.

Take a moment and reflect on the week you've just had.

Was it busy?
Infiltrated by failed expectations, change, worry, anxiety?
Emotionally exhausting?

I hear ya.

But I'm not as concerned of what happened to you this week than I am concerned about your response to the events of your week.

What have you thought?
...said?
......done?
.........have you regretted any of it?

Yeah, me too.

I am a blessed woman to have friends and acquaintances on polar opposites of the political and theological spectrums. Many of you, whether you realize it or not, challenge me and cause me to think differently about the world around me. And quite possibly help me solidify current beliefs and, um, liquefy others. :)

But frankly, I'm tired of the fighting. It greatly grieves me to read the verbal slams against each other in the name of "making a point" or "having right on your side", instead of treasuring the opportunities we have of connecting with one another at the touch of a keystroke. Now, I'm not saying that God is only affirming truths and beliefs held by theologically conservative right-wing toe-tapping evangelicals (heaven forbid!), nor does God only affirm truths and beliefs held by theologically progressive leftist head-banging evangelicals (again, heaven forbid!). Call me a crazy nut-case, but God's truth can be found...and is found...in Christians who believe differently than you do, whether you like it or not.

We need each other. And all the crazy that goes with it.
We've got to find some common ground again.
And it starts with emancipating our compulsive need to demand conformity to our own (read: preferred) beliefs.

To clarify: this does not mean, for example, that preaching the Word is unnecessary. Rather, preaching is an art form that is used to challenge, provoke thought or meditation, convict, or persuade. We do not forcibly demand people to repent of sin and choose to trust Christ as Lord and Savior; rather, we preach the gospel message to persuade, agree that the Holy Spirit convicts an unbeliever, and it is the choice of the person to respond to the persuasion of the Spirit-filled preacher and the conviction of the Holy Spirit.

What I do mean is that followers of Jesus Christ are unified by the gospel message He brings:

1 - Jesus came.
2 - Jesus died.
3 - Jesus rose.

And while I wholeheartedly agree that discussions of theology and doctrine are imperative to our spiritual health and sanctification, we need to get back to the basics of loving God and loving neighbor...

...which, I would hope, includes treating one another with respect when we enter into disagreements about whether or not to endorse this movie or that book or that other issue. *insert growling here*

If we return to that common ground, maybe we can begin again to use our words for meaningful dialogue, not for weapons of mass destruction.

in which a job promotion does not grant me positional authority.

So Fred and I are moving....again.

Overall, Fred's been more excited about the move than I have been...mostly excited to return to Grand Rapids and all the convenience it offers. Though we both love the simpler life and the awesome people Plainwell offers, I understand his viewpoint.

My husband really is the "bees knees". He stands up for his own opinions, isn't afraid to call me out on my crap, and works hard - usually two employers at a time. Which brings me to a needed point of clarity to my conservative evangelical friends who still think the man is the sole "leader" and "primary maker of bacon" (side note: insert sarcastic air quotes as needed).

In the marriage relationship, there should be no gender discrimination as to who earns a higher income or receives more advancement opportunities in the workplace. I think it is rather endearing when Fred told me he'd love to be a stay-at-home dad someday (though I gently reminded him that the job of stay-at-home dad includes washing dishes, and then I received the usual "ehhhh!" remark with the obligatory follow-up tongue sticking out at me, haha...)

Just because I have lady parts does not eliminate me from the outside workforce. Similarly, so we're all on the same playing field, a man should not be eliminated from contributing to work inside the home....

(All of a sudden I feel like I've been placed squarely in the 1950s and 60s...anyway....)

....nor does having lady parts prohibit me from receiving a promotion a work that inevitably causes our two-unit family to move. Every time we have moved, I have partnered alongside my husband to ensure his job transitions are as effortless as possible. And every time we have moved, my husband is quick to support me in all my endeavors. What a joy he is to me!

With success also come challenges that only speak into our financial needs, not into lengthy discussions of "who now holds the coveted 'breadwinner' title".

Fred and I are partners. We stand shoulder-to-shoulder as each other's ezer kenegdo. When one is down, the other lifts up. When one is given success and promotion, the other is not subjected to the ridiculous notion of positional authority - as the word "head" in Scripture posits a "source" or "origin", not "leader" or "overlord".

So no matter how many times we move or who gets what job where, my marriage is a team, a co-rulership, a sweet love affair for which I am ever grateful to God.

my church away from church

Family Christian Stores is open on Sundays.

(Whether or not you agree with a Christian ministry being open on Sundays is irrelevant to this particular post; in fact, if you indeed disagree, just ask your pastor what day s/he takes as a Sabbath rest. I guarantee you s/he will not say Sunday...or do you not consider preaching a type of work?)

Sarcasm aside, I was unable to attend my local church gathering today because of work. And WOW, what an incredible day of "church" away from church. Allow me to share....

On my way to Kalamazoo, just like any other morning, I drove through the pre-dawn darkness with WCSG radio turned up. Sunday mornings are typically the best for Christian radio because of the emphasis on the sub-genre of "worship". But unlike any other morning, every song I heard from the driveway to the parking lot was a major "favorite" of mine. Every song I heard became a catalyst to open my heart and stir my soul.

And then I felt God. Or rather, like a rushing wind,
the Holy Spirit came over me.
filled me.
washed over me.
flowed through me.
broke me.

My chest felt like it was going to implode, then explode in a thousand pieces because of the love of God. I didn't ask for it; in fact, I've come to believe that ever since I became a Christian, I have been filled with and sealed by the Holy Spirit. But for some reason this felt physically and spiritually....different. Wonderfully different. Like God's Spirit was talking physiologically to my spirit.

And the only way for me to process this movement was to bawl my eyes out. (Good thing I could still see the road...)

Then the Holy Spirit quietly spoke to my spirit: "Bear witness of Me....bear witness....something mighty is going to happen today."

Um, okay! (I have learned through experience to never disobey the Holy Spirit.)

I arrived at the store, one hot glorious mess, still in wonder of what I had just experienced. And the Lord began reminding me of phrases from Scripture: be still; I know the plans I have for you; your life is a vapor; love one another; love covers a multitude of sins, etc.

Bear witness. Okay, so how was I going to do that? I trusted the Lord to supply the opportunity, and YES HE DID! My husband and I have been careful to pay all of our January bills as soon as we could so we would have the opportunity to FINALLY purchase a flat-screen TV (more of my husband's request than mine, but that's another story for another time, haha...). I've been learning how to act more generously with the resources I've been given, so I sprung for pizza for my co-workers, and wrote that off as my generous deed for the day.

Wrong.

As soon as we opened the store at noon, a young woman busted through the door, cold, hands and face dirty, smelled of cigarettes, tears in her eyes. "Can anyone help me?" she asked. "I feel sooo embarrassed but I ran out of gas and my gas gauge is broken. Do you have any change? I have a gas can with me! I'm sooo embarrassed..." and she began to weep. I offered her a hug, inhaling some second-hand cigarette smoke on her jacket, and then I heard it again: Bear witness!

Crap.

As much as I wanted to think "there goes the flat-screen TV fund", I knew right away it was a pretty pathetic thought. And I knew this was that opportunity.

"Grant, can you hold the fort for a minute? I'll be right back."

I left with the young woman, Jessica, across the street to Speedway.

"Thank you SO much," she said. "Tell them I'm on number five."

"Okay," I replied. Then I heard it again: "Bear witness....get a $20 gas card."

But I just bought pizza! I thought. Again, pathetic. Don't worry, just get the gift card and be glad you can...

I bought a gallon for the gas can and the $20 gas card and took it out to Jessica. She continued expressing gratitude as we walked back toward her car...

"Thank you again soooo much....God bless you! My brother is laying in the back seat of the car because he's got the H1N1 virus and though we went to the doctor already, I'm probably going to need to take him to the hospital and I wasn't sure how we were going to get there.....thank you again soooo much, bye!!"

What the?!

Jessica ran off ahead of me to put the gallon of gas in so she could leave, and I went back into the store.

A ten-minute God moment. Wow.
Bear witness....something mighty is going to happen today.

This story is not about me or the fact that I gave $20 to a total stranger to put gas in her car.
This story reveals the glory of God and the power of the Holy Spirit to change lives.
I said the Holy Spirit broke me, right?

Psalm 24 sums it up quite well:

¹ The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it,
    the world, and all who live in it;
² for he founded it on the seas
    and established it on the waters.

³ Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord?
    Who may stand in his holy place?
⁴ The one who has clean hands and a pure heart,
    who does not trust in an idol
    or swear by a false god.^[a]

⁵ They will receive blessing from the Lord
    and vindication from God their Savior.
⁶ Such is the generation of those who seek him,
    who seek your face, God of Jacob.^[b][c]

⁷ Lift up your heads, you gates;
    be lifted up, you ancient doors,
    that the King of glory may come in.
⁸ Who is this King of glory?
    The Lord strong and mighty,
    the Lord mighty in battle.
⁹ Lift up your heads, you gates;
    lift them up, you ancient doors,
    that the King of glory may come in.
¹⁰ Who is he, this King of glory?
    The Lord Almighty—
    he is the King of glory.

why I love the church who told me "no"...

Consider this a chapter in a future memoir I'll write when I'm 50.

My mother is remarrying in less than two days, and as I started considering the location to which I'm about to drive with my husband, I suppose it's natural for a flood of memories to resurface in my brain. Memories of growing up. Bible sword drills. Sitting totally opposite of the male gender, lest I brush a shoulder and get pregnant. Memories of teen camp-outs, of laughing so hard I wet myself, of trying to please everybody, and of hard conversations on Facebook that you should have had in person because you're an adult and you've read Matthew 18 enough to quote it by heart.

(Of course, some sarcasm and hyperbole are present here, but you get the point.)

So by now it definitely sounds like I'm playing the Bitter Betty or Pitiful Polly card; not so, I assure you. In fact, quite the opposite: I will always have an affinity in my heart for the first church who discipled me. It's my old stomping ground, so-to-speak. I know how to speak the lingo ("well bless your heart...") and how to agree on the same things ("guns are awesome!" and "why yes, Obama IS the antichrist!"). But being a little more grown up gives me a little more retrospect. This church body wasn't trying to cram bad doctrine down my throat; they were just loving me and teaching me their doctrinal views and convictions through their lens of Scripture.

And I've realized I do the exact same thing when I throw an adult-sized hissy fit over a disagreement on women serving in all offices of church ministry. Then Leonard Sweet's words ring all too true in my ear: "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in a relationship?"

Well, ideally, both - whereby the second person affirms my right-ness....or, uhmmm, "righteousness"?! Ooo.

Okay, I take it back.

I'm pretty positive that if the 9-year-old me, the 19-year-old me and the 29-year-old me all met, my 19-year-old self and my 29-year-old self would eventually surrender and join my 9-year-old self on a bike ride around the trailer park in which I used to live. And that half hour or so of gleefully riding hands free or jumping speed bumps or skinning my knee on the cul-de-sac like that one day right before fourth grade would easily out-rank any day I cared about being right.

There is no possible way I can hold anger, bitterness, or un-forgiveness against the church who gave me a deep love for the Scriptures and encouraged me to study it. So no, I will not intentionally draw people into debate about women in pastoral ministry on my mother's re-wedding day. But I also refuse to deny who God has clearly called me to be. My goal, as my pastor so wisely put it, is that when I'm on stage delivering a sermon (as I've done several times already, glory be to God), people don't see a man or woman; all they should see is Jesus.

(Well, and the Father and the Holy Spirit...you know, that whole Trinity thing. But I'm focusing on relationship, here...)

on days when...

On days when sadness floods my spirit, I remember that "joy" encapsulates something much bigger than always being "happy".

On days when I'm frustrated about injustice (or injustice toward women, specifically), I remind myself that I'm not alone.

On days when I have success, I tell myself it's okay to celebrate because it was God who showed favor in the first place.

On days when I feel like I cannot wait a minute longer for a resolution to come, God gives more grace despite my unbelief in His outside-of-time-timing.

On days when I haven't gotten enough sleep, it's usually because I'm worried over too many things I cannot control and have neglected to let. them. go.

On days when I don't declare that spending time with God is first priority in the morning, I see in retrospect that the whole day was all about what I could accomplish in my own power, not in the power of the Holy Spirit.

...

But on days when I wait,

pray,

let go,

celebrate,

reflect,

obey,

true joy reveals itself and gives freely to all who receive it.

and everything else pales in comparison.

"women are (still) not equal" and other phrases that make me feel subordinate

I'll be honest: as much as I have a joyful, bubbly personality, I readily admit to acting highly perturbed - even angry - when certain things are said or done to me. And I would totally justify my anger as "righteous" or "not necessarily sinful" because of W, X, Y, and Z reasons. In no particular order, I've thought of some of those phrases, spoken or unspoken, that really bug me (and maybe they bug you too?):

1 - "Women are (still) not equal."

Okay, no one would really SAY that out loud (unless you're an extreme complementarian), but I am sick and tired of waging verbal wars with men (and women too!) about the relationship between human female anatomy and her career options. Yes, women are still paid less than men for doing the same job (though I truly believe the gap is closing). Yes, a human born with a vagina is still barred from serving alongside men in ministry in many conservative evangelical circles. OH, that we would return to the first model of human partnership where, before sin even entered the picture, Adam and Eve took care of the garden TOGETHER, stewarded the earth TOGETHER, did life TOGETHER where neither was lord over the other. Brothers and sisters, it is never right to elevate the American white male to an idol, no matter if you think that way or not. And so, from limiting women in any capacity in ministry, she will not be able to glorify her God to the fullest extent with the gifts the Spirit gave her, and the Kingdom of God stunts in growth at least by half, if not more.

2 - "When are you gonna start having kids?"

This question shouldn't bother me nearly as much as it does. Maybe I let it get underneath my skin too often when I should merely brush the inquiry off. But as much as I consider myself an honest person and a detailed person, I let honesty and details mix together far more often than I should. And so, in response to this question, I feel morally obligated to explain that I might not be able to have children. Even more so, if the occasion presents itself appropriately, I may add that I'm not sure I want children. But as soon as I spit out that sentence, I catch myself sucking some of the spit back. What woman doesn't want children of her own and have a family with her husband? But then I think of several couples who purposefully remain childless, either for a time or for all time, so they are able to devote more of themselves to already existing children without families, or for various other reasons. My identity as a woman is not wrapped up in my ability or inability to have children (although if I were living in OT times, I would certainly be an outcast and considered cursed of God). My identity is found in Jesus Christ. If my husband and I have children, praise God. If we are unable to ever have children, then praise God - God has a different plan for us and we will follow Him where He leads.

3 - "The husband is to be the leader/head of the household."

Horse crap. Though the household codes in Ephesians 5:21-33 speaks of the wife submitting (voluntarily yielding), it says nothing in that passage about the husband leading. First, husband and wife are to submit to each other (Eph 5:21). But as much as the wife and husband need to voluntarily yield themselves to each other, additional instruction is given to the husband to be the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. Now, this does NOT denote positional authority but rather sacrificial love. Reading onward to verse 25 where the husband's instruction is expounded and made complete from the initial "head" command: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." And how did Christ love the church? He gave Himself up for her. Philippians 2:1-11 beautifully depicts Christ's humility as a servant being made in human likeness and was obedient to death on a cross. So a wife and husband both sacrifice, both submit, out of love and respect for one another. What a beautiful picture of partnership and equality. Anything other than that is to twist the Scriptures into what we want them to mean (many times, a simple "black and white" or "face value" interpretation) instead of what they actually say. How said that entire denominations and church splits form over such a seemingly simple matter. More time is spent debating theology in some churches than taking care of the poor and disenfranchised. And that is sad.

I do not apologize for my opinions, outspoken as they are. It can be both a positive trait and a negative flaw, but I am glad for the courage to at least blog, if not enter into conversation with a person of an opposing opinion. After all, how will we know the truth of a matter if we do not diligently seek it out? On today's matter, I know that I am not a subordinate, but please for the love of it all, remove both the conversational and theological statements that have no grounds on which to stand and thereby making me and other women experience shame and unworthiness simply because we were born female.